{"id":499,"date":"2013-01-13T23:07:28","date_gmt":"2013-01-14T04:07:28","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.nostradennis.com\/web\/?p=499"},"modified":"2020-03-06T16:32:33","modified_gmt":"2020-03-06T21:32:33","slug":"date-orion-1-0001-nd-nd-comedy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.nostradennis.com\/web\/date-orion-1-0001-nd-nd-comedy\/","title":{"rendered":"Orion 3, 0001 ND Comedy"},"content":{"rendered":"

Beginnings of Mankind: <\/strong>
\nOne day, eight-year-old Melissa says to her mother, “Mummy, I\u2019ve been thinking about us humans and I\u2019m a bit puzzled. How did we humans first appear on Earth?” “That\u2019s a very good question, darling,” her mother replies. “God made Adam and Eve and they had children and then their children had children, and as a result, mankind began.” Later that day, Melissa asks her father the same question. “Daddy, how did we humans first appear on earth?” “That\u2019s an intelligent question, Melissa,” he replies. “Millions of years ago there were monkeys from which, gradually, the human race evolved.” Melissa is confused by this answer and goes back to her mother. “Mummy,” she asks, “how come that you told me the human race was created by God, yet daddy said they developed from monkeys?” “Well darling, replies her mother, smiling, “the answer is simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.” <\/p>\n

Adam and Eve\u2019s Choice:<\/strong>
\nAfter God completed the world, he found he still had two things remaining to give out. He quickly decided to give one to Adam and one to Eve and he\u2019d let each choose which one they wanted. When he told them what he aimed to do, they asked what his give-aways were.
\nSo God explained, “One of the items is a thingy that allows its owner to pee while standing up. It’s very useful. The other thing I have is \u2026\u2026\u2026” But Adam was no longer listening. As soon as he heard about the \u2018stand-up-peeing\u2019 device, he started jumping up and down like an excited little boy. “I\u2019d love one of those,” he said. “To be able to do that would be just brilliant. Please God, let me have it.” God turned to Eve and said, “Nu? So what do you think?” Eve just smiled and replied, “As Adam desperately wants it, let him have it.” Adam was thrilled to receive it and immediately used it on the flowers. He then ran off to write his name in the sand. God watched Adam for a few minutes, then turned to Eve and said, “Well, here’s the other thing, it\u2019s all yours.” “What’s it called?” said Eve. “A brain,” replied God.<\/p>\n

In The Beginning:<\/strong>
\nIn the Beginning, God created heaven and earth and then he created man.
\nGod said, “Adam, I want you to do something for me.”
\nAdam said, “Gladly, what do you want me to do?”
\nGod said, “Go down into that valley.” And Adam said, “What’s a valley?”
\nAnd God explained it to him. Then God said, “Then go over the hill.”
\nAnd Adam said, “What is a hill?” And God explained that to him.
\nThen he told Adam, “On the other side of the hill you will find a cave.”
\nAnd Adam said, “What’s a cave?” And God explained that to him, then said, “In the cave you will find a woman.” And Adam said, “What’s a woman?”
\nSo God explained that to him too, and said, “I want you to reproduce.”
\nAnd Adam said, “How do I do that?” So God explained it to him.
\nOff went Adam, down into the valley, over the hill, and into the cave and there he found the woman. In about ten minutes, Adam was out of the cave, over the hill, through the valley and back with God. God patiently asked, “Yes … how can I help you, Adam?”
\nAnd Adam said, “What’s a headache?”<\/p>\n

Who Made You?:<\/strong>
\nFive year old Emma was sitting on her grandfather David\u2019s lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, Emma would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch David\u2019s wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally Emma spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?” “Yes, darling,” he answered, “God made me a long time ago.” “Oh,” she paused, “Grandpa, did God make me too?”
\n“Yes, indeed, sweetheart,” he said, “God made you just a little while ago.”
\nFeeling their respective faces again, Emma observed, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t he?”<\/p>\n

And God Created Israel:<\/strong>
\nOn the sixth day, God turned to the Angels and said: “Today I am going to create a land called Israel, it will be a land of mountains full of snow, sparkly lakes, forests full of all kind of trees, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life.”
\nGod continued, “I shall make the land rich so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Israeli, and they shall be known to the most people on earth.”
\n“But Lord, asked the Angels, don’t you think you are being too generous to these Israeli’s?”
\n“Not really, God replied, just wait and see the neighbors I am going to give them.”<\/p>\n

How Man Was Created \u2013 Alternative Version: <\/strong>
\nAfter 4 weeks in the Garden of Eden, God comes to visit Eve. “So Eve, how\u2019s everything going?” inquires God. “It\u2019s all so beautiful,” she replies, “the sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful. But I have one problem. It\u2019s these breasts you\u2019ve given me, the middle one pushes the other two out and I\u2019m constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They\u2019re a real pain. Surely God, since many other parts of my body come in pairs, such as my arms and legs, my ears and my eyes, I feel that having only two breasts will make me more symmetrically balanced.” “That\u2019s a fair point,” replies God, “but it was my first shot at this, don\u2019t forget. I gave the animals 6 breasts so I figured that you needed only half of those. But I see that you\u2019re right so I\u2019ll fix it up right away.” And God reaches down, removes Eve\u2019s middle breast and tosses it into the bushes. Three weeks pass and God once again visits Eve in the Garden of Eden. “Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?” “Just fantastic,” she replies, “but for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.” God thinks for a moment and says, “You know, Eve, you\u2019re right once again. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create MAN from a part of you. Now let’s see, where did I put that useless boob?”<\/p>\n

All the above jokes from: The God related jokes of awordinyoureye.com<\/em><\/p>\n

Mel Brooks and Carl Reiner: The 2000 Year Old Man:<\/strong>
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